To provide a touchstone to leabian widows that are looking for that connection that they may have not found elsewhere. My hope is that you find understanding and validation of your feelings so that you are able to recover your joy for life, find your new identity, and begin to build your future that now is so very different than you anticipated. My hope, that by being here for you I can make your journey easier if not faster. This will take you as long as it will take you....there is no set time, no set steps, no quick ways. You have to find your way through and you will.
In death: as you are probably realizing the loss of your wife/partner is forcing you to go where you have never been before. Grief, run from it or not, is going to be around for a long stay. When loss occurs, most of us are unprepared; especially if we have never had to deal with grief. There is no grief that is exactly like another, and loss of your wife/partner is the hardest to deal with, because half of who you were is now missing. The bond between two women is stronger than any other, (even stronger than mother/child) partly due in fact, to the adversity you have faced together. Partly due in fact (let's face it) we are emotional and the connection is so deep.
I do not want to downplay or say that grief over anyone you love is an easy thing to deal with. Grief is something I wish none of us had to experience, but it is a part of life. Just as birth, death is all part of the human experience. In the three years leading up to my wife's passing, I had more than my share. I lost nine people in those years, including my mother, a beloved step-father, and a brother. I grieved each of them in very different ways, and in all cases I had to push my pain aside and deal with life. I could go into a description of each one for you, but that is not my purpose. For me the final indignanty was the loss of my wife. In that loss I found there was a pain that nothing compared with and nothing prepared me for the valley I was about to face.
Thus because of my personal experience I found that there was a need to fill helping others through their journey. I hope I can help you to walk this road with at least some understanding and a friendly hand. This is a lonely and sometimes barren road, but it has a destination. Along this road there are places you will wish to stay, but you must realize you have to push on. There really will be another sunrise, and one day it will excite you again to see it peak over the mountain.
On this road there will be pitfalls and rewards, valleys and mountains, straight aways and curves. You may loose yourself a few times on this journey, but hopefully you will find your way back. You may end up in a ditch for awhile, but with help be pulled back to the pavement. Just remember it will get better with time. Never loose sight of the fact you can and will find your way. Hopefully I can offer you signposts as you travel this way.
While yes, this site will be specifically designed for Lesbian women going through the loss of their wife/partner; it may also help those who are dealing with the death of either gender spouse or a loved one. I know that you are going through a very tough time and therefore I will try to be as helpful and supportive as I can.
This website, at present, is womaned by a single individual. I have had a very enlightening journey on the road to my own recovery. I am still walking the road to new discoveries everyday. I owe my recovery to God first, and five wonderful women who journeyed on my road with me. They took my hand and offered their love and friendship. Due to them I have been able to move continuously toward my future. There were many days they stayed with me on the phone or yahoo, and listened while I cried, complained or just sat there quietly. They were my chain and anchor to survival. Allowing me to float freely, while I stayed anchored in the world. Always offering the right word at the right time. Without them I may not have survived. Because of them I now offer the same love and support to you. Through Lesbian Widow, I hope to be an anchor for you as well. I desire to create a network of reborn women, that will offer their hands in support.
I am also aware of a segment of our lesbian sisters that suffer loss on a regular basis and are struggling just to make sense of all of it. My heart is here for the sisters that have or are dedicating thier lives to the service of this country. My highest regards to the women in uniform that have up until now had to hide thier sexual identity from other members in service with them. I salute you all. I understand in small measure the pain you have had to endure as your comrades in arms have sacriced thier lives and limbs. The pain you must feel when a sister or brother has given her all in service to this country for the freedoms that most of the population enjoys and takes for granted. While you must still hide exactly who you are, as I once had to do in my past. Please know I am very aware of you and love you for all you do on my behalf. I am here for you when you need to talk.
I came to realize that there was very little professional support out there for lesbians. Very few professionals were able to understand the battle that we women under go in this transition. I personally could not find anyone who would or could professionally offer assistance in my journey. There are gay chat rooms, lesbian chat rooms, and even gay widower chat rooms. But no lesbian widow chat rooms. There were few and far between lesbian consolers, and most of the consolers or doctors I did speak with either had no interest or understanding of my circumstances. Then of course there was the cost of such doctors, which for many can be prohibitive.
That was then this is now, since the passing of my wife, I have seen an increased attention to our needs. Everyday new avenues are opening for us to access. I endeavor to add them to this website. In any event I saw there was a need out here for someone to just be available, and well if there is a need someone has to fill it. So I guess I was elected. No, actually my heart cries out to all of you who are faced with this fact of life. In the past few years I have seen and been down many roads with women that are just lost and looking for a place they can talk and be themselves. A place where they are understood, if nothing else I can offer a pair of eyes to read or a pair of ears to listen and a heart that understands.
In my journey I eventually found my way to a website that had other Lesbians (a simple chat room.) During the months that I was totally isolated in my grief, this room was the touchstone for a connection with the other lesbians. My wife and I had become disconnected from the lesbian family while we raised our children. Thus I did not even have a connection there and found myself floundering. A connection with other lesbians is vital. It is one way to keep your mind and heart from failing you.
Find out the locations where your local lesbians frequent; if you should find yourself without lesbian friends. Maybe it will be through a softball league, a local club, a local bar, a community center, that you can once again connect. There are resources online to help you find out where the family is hanging out. Just check your local listings. But as soon as you can make the effort, go watch a ball game, or go sit and have coffee. Eventually you will make a connection. If all else fails get online and join a chat room.
Through this website it is hoped that in the future, I can put you in contact with someone to counsel you in your loss. But for the time being, please bear with me. This site is under ever evolving construction. I hope that you will find what you need. Good strong friendly support, loving comfort, and a few signposts on your journey to your new life.
You will surprise yourself with the strength you find within yourself on this journey. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, so look to this as a road that will lead you to a new and more powerful individual at journey's end. Rely on your own understanding of yourself and move through this at your own pace. No one can do this but you and make the best of everyday. Life is worth living even in the worst of circumstances. You only get one go round make it the best one you can and keep moving toward your future. Love yourself right now, your going to need it and the one you have lost wouldn't have it any other way. I hope that I can be the Angel by your side.....
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